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Yodaboy64
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Name: Nick
Birthday: 10/5/1989
Gender: Male
Interests: Trumpet, Star Wars/Trek, RPG's of such....LOTR (for Kate).... I have also been known to sit in my backyard and hunt hot air balloons (the jerks!) that are on my turf with a shotgun...however, I've gotten a few planes, too. you should see some of the stuff I find, lol. Overall, just being a lazy bum. But that's ok, cuz it gives me time to work on cuh-RAZY cartoons! like 'Sweet Cuppin Cakes'...
Expertise: Trumpet, and I am perfecting the art of lazy bumness (<--SP?). I am also quite knowledgable about Star Trek. Have quite a bit of experience as a stage hand...stuff like that...I did a stand-up act once...and a little bit of acting for the variety show.
Occupation: Unemployed/Between Jobs
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Ndinks
Yahoo:  Ensign_nd
Member Since:
10/20/2003
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| Seriously, occasionally, I log into this thing, and I'm like "Why is this still my topmost posting"
Sometimes I think I should just clear off and delete this thing, but whatever. It can stay. It's a time capsule for me, and I guess I kind of want to hang on to it. Maybe it's just so that I don't over glorify the "Good ol' days", cause there's still some good days in the coming. I'm not going to get tripped up on my past.
On that Note: With Maggie, that shit is OVER. I was sitting around, and I was like "Man, you know what blows, being hung up over Maggie." So I stopped that, and it's really helped my relationship with Anna. Can't imagine why. hah. but seriously, I realized I wasn't really into that any more, and with all the ways that Anna's made progress while in Spain, I'm actually more attracted to her than ever. Like, sometimes I even see a future in it. And I mean, we've talked about it a bit...enough to know that we're not doing ANYTHING like that until we're at LEAST out of Undergrad. But it still doesn't stop us talking about it every once in a while, and it doesn't stop me thinking about it when we aren't.
Scary thought, right? Seriously, when did we become old enough to start talking like that? I know someone who's already getting married this fall, others that are just engaged, and then there's me, who just cracked open a box of star wars figures. I'm a fuckin' kid. Yet, this is real life. I mean, my 7-year-old self would be talking to me like a grown-up. So I'm probably now burning the time that my 7 year old self would be out doing stuff-- becoming an astronaut or something. It's weird. I did talk to Maggie the other week, and she casually dismissed the marriage thing as us being "old balls". I don't know. I'm not in a hurry to grow up any more. I mean, I try to be mature, but as I said, I'm still the one who, when left to his own devices, plays with toys, lol. I sorted out my entire lego collection just cause I wanted to play without being really judged.
I dunno what else to say. I'm gonna delete the last post or two though. cause that shit is annoyingly emo. | | |
| If people are actually interested in most of the stuff that's been going on in my life, at this point, my 365 picture album on facebook is doing a pretty good job of that. The day to day stuff is not interesting. I mean. I go to class, I play video games, I do mock trial, I sit. And I think.
I think a lot because I don't know what else to do. At this point, I just don't. People, especially Jordana, keep on asking me what's going on in my head. I can't find a way to express exactly what IS going on in my head. I think I understand, finally, but I need somewhere to write this away from the bulk of the people in my life. What better place than my, well... .I would say forgotten, but apparently 'Liz hasn't forgotten about it...xanga.
All of my friends have got to be sick of me talking about Maggie. I've been trying to keep it under my hat around the people here ,one because they wouldn't get it, and two, I think I'd scare them away. I think between the three of us in this room, we have every type of relationship. We have Ben, who's been in a relationship for years, and is still going strong, and Oliver who could just be on the way to a new relationship. I have to 'fly his wing' next monday for their first outing. That'll be fun. Then there's me. I'm still...not into it. I have a friend that really wants to make it into something more, and she's rather... persistent. I've tried explaining it to her a few times that I'm not ready for a relationship, that I'm existing as a cloud of emotions right now, that if I try and pursue something now, I'm going to hurt her the way I did Kelly. It's not that I don't care for her, I do, and that's why I want space, but she doesn't get it.
I get these times where sometimes instead of a cloud of emotions, I become the void. I feel nothing. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I feel as though I am Camus's Stranger. That I observe life, and I do things because I know what I'm supposed to feel but I feel NOTHING. It's peaceful. and... I kind of like it, in a sick, twisted sort of way. If I don't feel anything, I feel like I'm in control, not my emotions. I've always tried to make sure that I wasn't controlled by them to begin with, and so in these moments, they are gone, and all that exists is me, doing whatever is logical, uncaring to the costs of doing something. Then suddenly, without warning, everything comes back. I'm back on my porch, watching Maggie drive away. Not sure what to do, not sure what I could have done, not sure what to think, what to feel. Anything can trigger these. That's the problem dating someone who likes just about everything you like for such a long time. EVERYTHING reminds me of her, even here, where I recognize practically nothing, just what I brought with me. It's this emptiness, and it hits me like a truck.
Most recently, I've been in the middle of relationship issues. Whether it was Link and Sara, or Oliver and his new friend, and they come to me afterwards and thank me for my help, saying they couldn't have done it without me, or whatever. So...great. I can save other people's relationships, but couldn't even fix my own. And the sick part is, I KNOW this isn't true, that it's more complex than that, but I can't STOP myself from thinking like this. I think...I don't know. I think I should do something really stupid and petty, and really TRY to get everything that can remind me of her away from me. Unfriend her on facebook, delete her IM account of my list, take the number off my phone. I keep thinking that'll help, so I won't get fucked up every time I see her name on the minifeed, or hit the wrong speeddial number on my phone. It just seems like a stupid thing, and yet it's right. She's been right to avoid me, and I should be doing better to avoid her. It just sucks. I feel like if that's the case, I should write something to her if I do, to explain why I do what I do, not that she'll care, or even WANT to know, but I should. For me.
Maybe I'll write more later, maybe not.
Sorry the entry was so depressing, liz, it's just how I feel. | | |
| I hate it when you bite the inside of your mouth, so it like swells a little, and then you keep on biting it because it's swollen.
That happened to me at lunch today. True story.
Also, I really need to just decide what's important to me for college and commit. Cause I've got a few really strong options, and I just need to find something special that one of the colleges offers that is something I really want that the other colleges don't have.
oh well.
Later
--Nick | | |
| After quite possibly 20 billion emails from xanga saying "Yodaboy64, Xanga Misses you", I think I'm going to write something in this crazy thing. The time of xangas is long over where I am, but yet, why not, for nostalgia's sake? Not that I'm particularly nostalgic for the time period in which having a xanga was the fad. I mean, everything was so overly dramatic. Certainly it couldn't have been that bad, and yet I'm sure at the time I thought it was.
As a generalization, everyone thinks their problems are the worst. Everyone thinks their time period is the most epic. Now, this is not to belittle their problems or the time where they live, but when you remove yourself for a few moments, you begin to see that, well, things aren't as bad as they seem right now. When dealing with issues of the self, you realize that, no, you're not the first person to have this problem, and no, you won't be the first person to survive it, either. The hard part is stepping away and thinking things out. Once you have, stepping back in and following through is much easier.
Yet at the same time, there's much more to be stressed about than one might think. It seems like, with every generation, every year of kids, the responsibilities are being ramped up more and more. It's as if people are trying to make their kids into adults before they even hit double digit ages. And once they do that, kids are trying to grow up faster and faster. Now, this may be just me getting caught up in the moment, as I warned against above, and I'm not trying to make an unfair assumption or trying to change anything here, but I see every new wave of freshmen trying to be more 'grown up' than the ones before it. I use the term 'grown up' loosely, because I feel like they don't mature so much as...well, try to have the rights of age without the responsibilities of age. I'm digressing somewhat, because this could easily become a tirade against underage drinking that I really don't want to write, but the point is, when did being kids lose its value? Now, I mean, there are people like me that still eye my old Lego's and want to dig into them (and, I admit, I do), but when we're all trying to grow up, the time that people can just play with their imagination becomes small.
I dunno.
I ramble, but really, sometimes I wonder what next generation will be like as grown ups, what kind of environment my kids will grow up in. Then, you step back, and realize, things could be worse.
A lot worse.
So, here's to looking on the bright side.
--Nick | | |
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